Ed Now While Supplies Last
by ZephyrSamba
Summary: Stuck inside on a rainy day with nothing good on TV, Eddy comes up with a new way to amuse himself at his friends' expense. Watch out for that Waffle Maker Ray Gun, Ed!


*Click*  *Click*  *Click* 

Eddy sat on the couch, glaring at the remote in his hand.  "Stupid TV, there's nothing on!  I mean, give me a break!  'Cooking with Breadcrumbs'?  'Extreme Yahtzee'?  'The History of Lint'?  Man, I hate rainy days!"  He resumed clicking with a frustrated growl.

"Television dulls the mind anyway, Eddy.  I suggest we turn it off and find more intellectually stimulating activities to keep us occupied."  Double-D's face lit up.  "Why, my latest copy of Entomology Weekly has a fascinating article on the formation of the exoskeleton in desert-dwelling arthropods!"  He smiled widely, eagerly awaiting his friends' reactions.

Ed and Eddy looked at each other.  "…Uh…yeah," Eddy finally said.  "Oh, um, wow, would you look at that, I didn't know you could make gravy out of breadcrumbs…"

Ed gasped.  "GRAVY!  Gravy is good for Ed!  Turn it up, turn it up!"  Reaching across Edd, he grabbed at the remote in Eddy's hands.

"Leggo, Ed, the remote is mine!"  Eddy snatched the remote out of his reach, but Ed leapt across the couch in pursuit.  "ED!!"  As they struggled, the remote flew out of Eddy's hands…

Ed and Eddy stopped and stared.

"Oops!  Sorry, Double-D.  Can I please have the remote back?"

Eddy rolled around with laughter.  "That gap makes a great remote control holder, Double-D!  If only there were room for a bowl of Chunky Puffs and a few sodas, you'd be the perfect TV caddy!"

Retrieving the remote from between his teeth, Edd crossed his arms and turned his back on his friends.  "I fail to see the humor in that, Eddy.  A little sensitivity for my embarrassing dental deficiency would be greatly appreciated.  And I think just I'll keep the remote, thank you very much."  He flipped over to the Social Sciences Channel.  "Ooh, we're in luck!  'Superstars of Behavioral Psychology' is just starting!"

Ed grabbed the remote, knocking Edd off the couch in the process.  Yelling, "Bo-ring!  Pre-empted!" he changed the channel a few times, and bounced around in excitement as he landed on the Sci-Fi Channel.  "Ooh, look, guys, it's 'Dr. Ingrown Toenail Man'!  Oh boy, it's a Tim Laker episode!  I think this is the one where the evil Hangnaileks attempt to terminate everyone with their Clippers of Doom!"

"Forget it, Ed, that's what ALL the episodes are about.  Gimme that!"  Snatching the remote away from Ed, Eddy resumed channel surfing.  "Let's see now…ooh, an infomercial!  I LOVE these things!"

Climbing back up onto the couch, Edd rolled his eyes.  "Please, Eddy, this is absurd!  Why would anyone willingly purchase a battery-operated Eggplant Squirter?  Who buys these things?"  Waving his arms, he added, "I ask you, is there no one left in our society who could successfully measure up against the mental capacity of a salad fork?  When will – " he stopped mid-rant, mouth open and arms still in the air, as he noticed that Ed was on the phone.

"Hello!  I am Ed, and I would like ten Amazing Eggplant Squirters, and don't forget the bonus Arm Hair Braider while supplies last!"

"Ed!  You put that phone down this minute, Mister!  My parents still haven't recovered from the time you had a dozen food rehydrators shipped over here!" 

As Edd chased a laughing Ed around the couch, Eddy's wheels were turning.  "People will buy anything they see on TV…"  He suddenly snapped his fingers and jumped up.  "I've got it!  We'll make our OWN infomercial!  Kids will pay big money for a…a…ooh!  A combination pocket skateboard and grapefruit peeler!  Double-D, get to work!"

"I will do no such thing, Eddy, that has got to be your lamest idea yet!"  

"Oh, come on, Double-D!  We could – "

"We could NOTHING!  I mean, really, a pocket skateboard and grapefruit peeler?"  Edd snorted.  "What would one even DO with such a contraption?  If that's the best you can come up with, perhaps you'd be better off working towards a rewarding career as a school janitor."

Eddy's hands balled into fists and he glowered at Edd.  "Yeah, like you could come up with anything better, Orville.  All you ever do is shoot down my ideas!  At least make yourself useful for a change and go get us some snacks."

Ed jumped back onto the couch and clapped his hands.  "SNACKS!  I want a marshmallow and sauerkraut sandwich with extra marbles and a side of ketchup, Double-D!"

Edd blinked at his friend.  "Um…I believe we're fresh out of that, Ed.  I'll go see what I can find…"

"And none of that 'carrot sticks and raisins' junk you tried to push on us last time," Eddy called as Edd disappeared into the kitchen.  "We ain't rabbits, you know!"

"Bossy, bossy, bossy," came a mutter from the kitchen.

"What was that?"

"*sigh* Nothing, Eddy…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought."  Eddy grumbled as he absently changed channels.  "Hmmph…'lame ideas'…'rewarding career a janitor'…I'll 'lame idea' him…"  A grin slowly spread across his face as a plan came to him.  "Heh-heh-heh…Psst!  Hey, Ed!  C'mere!  I wanna tell you something, big guy!"

Ed shoved his ear into Eddy's mouth.  "I am listening with both eyes wide open, Eddy!"

Shoving Ed back to a more comfortable distance, Eddy leaned in and whispered, "Listen, don't let on that I told you this, but I wouldn't eat anything that Double-D brings us if I were you."  Stopping to look around dramatically, he continued in an even quieter whisper, "I heard that he's been conducting experiments using radioactive food to turn people into mindless zombie plants under his control!"

Ed shrank back in dismay.  "Oh no, Eddy!  Double-D wouldn't do that to us, would he?"

"Are you kidding?"  He looked over his shoulder once again, then added, "You _do_ know, don't you, that he's not really an only child?  He used to have a brother…named Jim.  Sound familiar?"

"But Jim is Double-D's cactus!"  Ed gasped with horror.  "You don't mean – "

"Yeah, that's right, he turned his own _brother_ into a cactus – there's no telling what he'd do to us!  Shhh, here he comes, act natural…"  Eddy whistled innocently as Edd came back into the room, struggling under the weight of a loaded food tray.

"Well, gentlemen, I managed to find some organically harvested yam chips and a fresh jar of fava bean paste.  I think you'll find them to be quite delectib – agh!"  Food went flying as Ed grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him.

"Double-D!  How could you do that to poor Jim!  Please don't make me eat the radioactive yams!"

"Ed, please!  What are you talking about?  Did you eat Jim again?!?"  Pulling back out of Ed's grip, Edd looked around in dismay.  "Oh, just look at what you did!  You made me spill fava bean paste all over Mother's new carpet!  Help me clean this mess up right now, Mister!"

Eddy concealed a snicker behind his hand.  "Aw, relax Sock-head, you can clean it up later.  Sit down!  Let's talk infomercials!"

"But Eddy, do you have any idea how difficult it is to get legume stains out of carpeting?"  He scooped up smashed chips from the floor as he complained, "Why, that's worth 10 sticky notes at the bare minimum if I don't get it up before Mother and Father see it!  I've got to go get my cleaning supplies.  Ed, please don't touch anything while I'm gone."

Eyes ringed, Ed shrank away from Edd as he ran past and back into the kitchen.  "I'll be a good boy, I promise!  Don't turn me into a daisy, please!"

Edd shook his head.  "Um, okay…"

As soon as Edd was out of hearing range, Eddy hissed, "Psst!  Ed!  Now you've done it, you've gone and made him mad!  I bet he's going to get his Waffle Maker Ray Gun right now!"

Ed's eyes bulged and he sobbed, "I don't want to be a waffle!"

"Well, there's only one thing to do, then – here, grab that coffee table, and when Double-D comes back – let him have it!"

"But that would hurt Double-D, Eddy!"

"It's either him or you, Big Guy."  Eddy sighed and shook his head sadly.  "But that's fine, I'm sure you'll make a good waffle, I'll tell him not to put too much syrup on you…"

Ed gasped again.  "NOO!  I can't be a waffle, Eddy, Sarah hates waffles!  She'll tell Mom I was bad and then Mom will tell Dad and he'll say 'Pass me the Sports section!'"

"Well, then, you know what you've gotta do, Ed…"  Eddy cast a significant glance towards the coffee table.  "And hurry up, he'll be back any minute – and I think I hear his ray gun warming up!"

Ed's lower lip quivered, but he picked up the coffee table by one end and stood waiting by the family room entrance.  Eddy snickered delightedly and settled back to watch the fun.

"I think I can get the majority of the mess up with the wet/dry vacuum and a thorough scrubbing, but I'm going to need some assistance in lifting the sofa so I can be certain that no stray chips have landed underneath it.  Ed, if you would be so kind as to – ED, WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING??"

Ed hoisted the coffee table up higher and shut his eyes.  "I'm sorry, Double-D!  I don't want to be a waffle!"  As he brought it down full force, Double-D abandoned the vacuum cleaner he had been hauling into the room and leapt desperately behind the couch.  The coffee table landed where he had been standing, and splintered into countless pieces.

Eddy held his sides and laughed.  "Ed, quick, the vacuum!  Hit him with the vacuum!  He's gonna shoot you any second!"

Ed nodded, then picked up the vacuum and hurled it just as Edd managed to squeeze under the sofa.  Shaking with fear, Edd ran the events of the last few minutes through his head in an attempt to determine the reason for this unexpected assault.  "Ed, was it something I said?  Please, put down the vacuum, l-let's talk about it!"

"He's just trying to get you to lower your guard, Big Guy, don't let him fool you!"

"I won't, Eddy!"  Putting his shoulder against the couch, he shoved it aside to reveal a cowering Double-D.  Edd ran for his life, with Ed hot on his heels.  

Eddy howled with laughter.  "Go get him, Ed!"

Running around and around just out of Ed's reach, Edd soon found himself up against a corner.  With nowhere to go and Ed advancing with vacuum cleaner raised, Edd crouched down and shut his eyes, his arms held up protectively.  "Whatever I did, Ed, I-I'll make it right!  Tell me what to do!  Please!  Just put down the vacuum!"

Eddy grinned.  Just what he'd been waiting to hear.  "Hey, Ed, I think you've got him where you want him!  Look at 'im shake – no way he'll be pulling any of those sneaky experiments on you now!"

"Do you really think so, Eddy?"

"Yep!  But just to be sure, why don't you give him something else to keep his brain occupied for a while – he can't be turning people into plants when he's too busy with real work, now, can he?"

Edd opened one eye and looked suspiciously at Eddy.  "Eddy, just what have you been telling Ed?"

Ignoring Edd for the moment, Eddy continued – "Hey, I know!  Why don't you make him build me a bunch of combination pocket skateboards and grapefruit peelers!  We could get rich selling them to the kids, _and_ you'll be safe!"

Ed smiled happily.  "Good idea, Eddy!"  He looked down at Edd and brandished the vacuum.  "You heard the man, get to work!"

Edd picked himself up off the floor and dusted himself off.  Glaring incredulously at Eddy, he yelled, "You mean to tell me this whole ridiculous affair was nothing more than an underhanded ploy to coerce me into creating your absurd infomercial products?  My parents' coffee table is destroyed!  I was scared out of my wits!  Ed nearly caved in my skull!  Why, I ought to – " He shrank back and swallowed hard as Ed hoisted the vacuum cleaner once more.  "…um, I ought to…go find the necessary materials right away…"  Casting a final baleful glance in Eddy's direction, Edd stepped carefully around Ed and ran off, muttering, towards his garage.

Eddy smirked and called after him, "Not too shabby for a janitor, eh Sock-head?"


End file.
